In Memory of a Friend

Today is the fourth anniversary of the death of my good college friend.

We'll call him Seth.

I met Seth my junior year of college and I was so blown away by him. Admittedly, it was his looks, at first. He was the spittin' image of a then very popular pop singer. He was just gorgeous, and the biggest goofball on campus. Hilarious and kind and awkward, he had flocks of girls following him. I decided, because that was how I rolled with boys back then, that I would make him my best friend. And that's what I did. We ate big Italian sandwiches together and drank 40's together and threw rocks at windows of old buildings. He tried to set me up with lesbians he knew and came storming at me out of nowhere many a time, wrestling me to the ground and pinning me until I started to scream. We were in plays together, comedy groups. We sang karaoke together at the local dive bar and had our first slow dance to a Journey song.

Eventually, my senior year, I confessed to Seth that all I wanted to do was make out with him, and make out with him hard. At that time, Seth had a girlfriend. Seth asked his girlfriend if it was okay if he and I made out and she said yes. How adorable is that, thinking back on it. Coming back from a party at the end of the year one night, he walked with me through the graveyard to my apartment. I stopped walking and attacked him. We kissed for several minutes. His hands wandered but not too far. He used a lot of tongue. I got very wet. It was one of the first kisses I ever had that made me ready to fuck. I stopped the kiss eventually and Seth whispered, "I thought you were gay." I said, "I'm not." He laughed and said, "Nope, definitely not." I went home alone that night, but I was so euphoric. I graduated a week later, and Seth and I continued to hang out in a city near both our parents' houses. We would booze it up and eat pizza and stay up late talking. We never kissed again.

A few years later, he moved across the country and married his college sweetheart. Months after his engagement, Seth suffered a minor heart attack. He got on medication and was supposedly fine. A few months after that, Seth suffered a heart attack that killed him in his sleep as he lay next to his wife. Hundreds of people attended his funeral. Scholarships were set up in his name. Every year, many of us get together to celebrate his life.

I almost forgot that today was the anniversary. And then I looked twice at the date. And remembered.

Seth was a dear friend, an extremely talented and beautiful boy, who thought I was hilarious and smart. He also said that someday I would fall in love with someone and that person would be very lucky. Seth could say things like this and sound sincere and serious, even with his occasional frat-like ways. He occupied this unique space of college boy and intellectual, model and comedian. He was, in many ways, the closest I ever got to falling in love back then. It's weird to measure anything like that--"close to falling in love." But it's true. If he were here now, and not married, I might just try to make him mine. :)

I am not crying while I type this, though a lump is forming in my throat. It's a little strange to remember a dead friend on a sex blog, admittedly. But Seth was a sexy, sexy young man, a great influence on me and my sexuality, really. I had to come out of hiding with him. Seth's pull was that strong. I had to kiss him. That's really not the most important part of my friendship with him, though. The laughs we shared are what I value the most.

I know Seth would be proud of me and where I am now if he were still alive. If he were still alive, I have no doubt he'd be famous. He probably would have ended up on that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia show or maybe The Office. Ha. We always talked about what show we'd like to be on, you know, in a dreamworld. His spirit and his humor were so fucking powerful. I'm proud to have known him. And I still miss him. I always will.

Guess that's it.

Love you, Seth.

xoxo,
Janie