So like 13 days ago I got laid off. Which is, you know, not the rarest of occurrences in this country these days. I lost my job on account of the current economic situation and not because I had done anything, you know, wrong. In fact, I tried very hard these last couple of months to make myself extremely useful at work, doing the work of assistants that had been laid off prior, and taking on responsibilities without being asked. You know, just to make like I was invaluable and stuff.
But that wasn't good enough. Lost my job anyway. Cuz there ain't no $.
And really, if I'm to be completely honest, the only bad thing about losing that job in PARTICULAR is--well, currently, I'm not making money. That's it. Besides that, my day job had sort of been sucking my will to live in a small way. Subtle way. And I'm not a big complainer. I'm not one of those "I hate my job" people. I mean, I just try to make do with what I have. Historically. Just sort of accept my situation and move on.
But that's not how I've been rolling these days. I've taken charge. Of my heart and my body. I've taken charge.
So why should it not be that with my career? Why should I just accept dead-end, non-creative, non-motivating day jobs? Because it "gives me time for my writing"? Please. I've been saying that for years. And I'm not writing any more or less than I ever have.
Honestly, I'm scared. And very uncertain. About what I want to do. For a living.
There. I said it.
I am a writer. I am a performer. I can cook. I can read. I can critique. I am a quick learner. I am an excellent listener. I give good advice. I'm objective. I have two degrees from the two of the country's top institutions. I could do anything. I really could.
That's a lot of fucking responsibility.
The hardest thing about being a human is knowing what my potential is and then living up to it. Seriously. I am, comparatively, tremendously privileged. I am healthy. I am smart. I should find a job that will utilize what I have to offer. Challenge me. Actually CHALLENGE me.
I'm not sure what that job is.
Honestly, everything had been going so great. I fell in love. I decided to turn my eating lifestyle completely around. I started working out more. I got back in touch with family and old friends. Everything was going so great. And then the ball dropped. Then I lost my job.
And it didn't really matter.
Emotionally. Spiritually. Losing the job hardly made an effect. Was like, poof, it's gone. The space that the job left when the job was gone...was the same space that was there before. Does that make sense? The lack of an interesting job was there when I had a job. And it's still there now. But the job that I had before is no longer there to distract me from the fact that I'm not living up to my potential. I'm really not. NOt 100%. I'm a productive human being. I know I'm doing great. And because of that, I need to be doing even better. I need to take advantage of this time--when I'm healthy, when I'm happy, when I'm gaining confidence, when I'm free.
Yeah, I could say, But there's a recession going on, I should just take any job I can get--but honestly, the recession could go on forever. And I will take any temp job I can get. But I've made this promise: I'm not taking a full-time job that isn't creative. I'm just not going to do it.
It's amazing. Losing my job. Not devastating. Scary, yes, because of money. But not devastating. Freeing. One of them there blessings in disguise.
I don't know. I've had a couple days where I've felt like a bit of a deadbeat. But mostly, I've been staying busy. Looking for jobs, cooking my own food, working out, watching movies. I mean. It's not the craziest day in the world. But it's a day nonetheless. And at least I have this apartment. And at least I have my health. And at least I have people who love me, who care. At least I have my ambitions. No matter how pushed down they might have gotten by being in that job for three years--I still have my ambitions.
I just gotta get my ambitions to come out and play.
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7 comments:
what did you want to do when you were little? that's usually a pretty good touchstone to fall upon.
also, please never stop writing. i adore reading!
Um, don't forget, some days you do important shit like talk to me and stuff.
I just lost my job on Saturday, and this post means a lot to me. thanks for sharing and the words of advice - you should do it too. you deserve to find a job that challenges you and you love it, and it shouldn't matter what the paycheck says.
Hello. I found your blog a week ago. So I am a new reader. Sorry to hear about the job. Or loss of said job. We all know that it’s a difficult time for that to happen. And while it may be hard to be picky … there are gems out there to be found. It sounds like you are in a good place though. And more so, I’m glad to see that you have drawn a line in the stand, by only taking a full time job that is creative. It’s easy to become comfortable. Idle. Settle. Then find yourself 10 years later saying, what have I done? So I say do it. Might be a little turbulent, but hopefully you will come out glossy on the other side. Also … your writing is very good. You are a wonderful story teller. You should go in that direction.
Max
It is inspiring to read how, despite the obstacles placed on the path you walk through life, you continue to have high spirits and persevere. I have been down the road of unemployment myself a time or two before and know how it can make a person despair. It takes a strong resolve to counter those types of feelings sometimes, and it seems that your critical analysis of self has helped you to conclude a value to how much you actually lost.
Speaking of value, as a suggestion from a wandering blog reader, perhaps entrepreneurship is a way to achieve some of your all-but-forgotten ambitions. It's like they say, "Time is equivalent to Money," and you now have more of it available to you.
Best of luck!
x: I wanted to be a "business person." Which meant, I wanted to start my own business selling things people would like and make money. I created an imaginary mall with stores with my childhood best friend and we'd play a game called "Plans" where we'd plan what we wanted in our mall. Thank you for reminding me of this. I was entrepreneurial (spelling??) once upon a time!
Laken: I'd never forget that, my dear! Never. (Also: can you pay me to talk to you? I'm kinda broke...)
Aimee: sorry that you got laid off, lady. It does sort of suck on a basic level but then, new possibilities arise, and we all become rich and famous and happy! The end! thanks for your sweet comment.
witephyre: thanks so much for this! you seemed to have gotten what i was going for in the post. and time IS money, you're right about that. i've never been that confident about demanding a job that pays well. but i'm getting there. and like you said--i can make my own!
:/ sorry about losing your job. My dad just got laid off so our family is in a bit of a predicament too. Scary times.
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