Monday, March 8, 2010
The Moment (One)
I am finding it hard to stay away from my blog these days.
I want to fill it up.
When I am feeling sexually inspired, I feel creatively inspired. At least lately. It wasn't always that way. When I first started getting laid on the regular, I sort of gave up writing altogether. And I lost a few pounds. Sex was sort of fulfilling both my desire to create and my desire to fill up my body.
(Cock is filling. It's like grape nuts. Or kale.)
Along with feeling creative, I am also feeling calmer. And all the things that were stressing me out before, while they still exist and many of them are still out of my control, well, they're not as unmanageable anymore. I know this has something to do with getting back together with the boyfriend. I think one of the things I value most about him is the way he is able to give me a sense of calm. It's not that I'm the spazziest, most manic gal in the world. But I can get overwhelmed.
(This is one of those thinky posts. One that doesn't say too much. One that rambles. I think I have one of these every six months or so. Usually right before or after a change. Life is very changey right now. Changey. I like that word.)
You know the moment before everything falls apart? The moment where you just don't think you can take anymore and then suddenly it gets so much worse? And everything just goes WHOOSH, up in smoke, down in flames, etc? I think I'm as far from that moment as one can be right now. In that I believe this is the moment right before everything comes together. And I'm seeing this, I'm seeing this very particular image over and over again in my mind's eye lately: the grass of my soul at its most lush. Totally unmanicured. There are weeds, too. Pretty ones you can't detect from flowers. It's all growing. A little girl sits in it. Grazes her hand over the tops of the blades of grass. The wind is blowing. A ribbon falls out of her hair. She's only got one pigtail. She doesn't care.
She feels as though that suddenly things are going to get that much better.